@Cravin4

There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face.

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@LLBadge

My GPS just did a shoulder shrug and said, “uhm, take a left here?” This can’t be good.

@Brampersandon_

[stand-up comic bombing]
Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts
Audience: BOOOOOO!
Comic: Oh ok you’ve heard that one before.

@iGreenMonk

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unless that beholder is your mom cause we all know that doesn’t count.

@leechee420

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

@EJGomez

angel of God: mary u shall give birth to the son of God himself & he shall be named Jesus & shall die on a cross

mary: i have a boyfriend

@sir_shithead_I

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

@robdelaney

“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”

@NicCageMatch

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

@Beatonm5

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

@AbbieEvansXO

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true