There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face.

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My GPS just did a shoulder shrug and said, “uhm, take a left here?” This can’t be good.


[stand-up comic bombing]
Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts
Audience: BOOOOOO!
Comic: Oh ok you’ve heard that one before.


Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unless that beholder is your mom cause we all know that doesn’t count.


Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.


angel of God: mary u shall give birth to the son of God himself & he shall be named Jesus & shall die on a cross

mary: i have a boyfriend


Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.


“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”


The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.


perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower


Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true