Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Yup….perfect score!

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!