There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
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I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Breaking news:
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When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
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online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Mistakes were made
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Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.