Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.