There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
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If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????