There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
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If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning