There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
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Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom