There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
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Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.