There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
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*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
