Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

sweet dreams💖

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it