There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
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My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
same bro