There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
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Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Spell check is for lasers.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.