There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
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I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?