Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.