Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet