There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
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Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick