There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
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I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My flabber has been gasted.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
August 8
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.