There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
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*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
even bears disappoint their mothers
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
Orange is oranging 🟠
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”