There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
You Might Also Like
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.