There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
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I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
The glockness monster
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I’M CRYINGGG
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*