There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
