There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
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Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.