There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
You Might Also Like
Meow
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
channeling her this year
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Ha.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better