There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
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ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.