There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
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Sharon I have some bad news
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.