There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

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I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?


I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”


There are two sides to every story. My side and the right side.


I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.


I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed


ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there


One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby


Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.



All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat


*widow rolls eyes*


Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.