There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
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Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.