@Soo_Scandalouss

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

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@SarcasticSadOne

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

@mommajessiec

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

@just1fool

There are two sides to every story. My side and the right side.

@Dutch_50

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

@pilau

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

@BlairLoudly

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

@BadaBinge

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

@chapel3929

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

@WheelTod

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.