Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.