There is no “ea” in Tim.
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Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Follow me for more fitness tips.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I never needed anything more in my life
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre