Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*

eyes: *water*

*looks like I’m crying in meeting*

me: yeah this is better

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”