There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
You Might Also Like
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
#merica
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.