There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
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ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Grandmother clock.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane