There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
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How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I hope it’s French Onion!
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
#CoronaOutbreak
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.