Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.