there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
You Might Also Like
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Message from the dog groomers
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Stonehinge
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.