there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
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just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF