there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
You Might Also Like
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.