Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?