Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

This is always good for a laugh.

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.