There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
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Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I’m putting together a team
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.