@ThugNstuff

There is no “i” in “stupid.”

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@flashember

[inventor of the zoo]

*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*

this has to stop

@AndrewChamings

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

@Ygrene

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

@70Ceeks

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

@CulturedRuffian

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

@dmc1138

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

@Sickayduh

Lawyer: The defense rests
Judge: Counselor, your rebuttal?
Lawyer: HAHAHA that sounded like “you’re a butthole”
Judge: LOLOLOL #Buttle

@gojarbe

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

@PleaseBeGneiss

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips