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[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
this will hang in the louvre one day
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
hear me out : pockets for your socks
We avoided this particular disaster
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.