Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”