There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
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I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans