Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom