There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
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According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong