There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
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When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are