There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
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Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man