There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
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Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks