There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
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Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Muppet Screams
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
it is time once again
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?