There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

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FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake


Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.


Monkey: “We’re not so different”

Me: “Did that monkey just talk to me”

Monkey: “Monkey noise”

Me: “Did it just say ‘monkey noise’?”


A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime


[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.


“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color


Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.


A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby


I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”