Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water