I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
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Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
This trial is so absurd 😭
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.