@MikeCanRant

There is no law that says you can’t smoke celery inside public places. What are they gonna do? Ask you to extinguish your celery? Doubtful.

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@jackdwagner

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

@Cpt_Burnout

REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze.

BOOM.

@stevevsninjas

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

@SteveSuckington

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

@Dawn_M_

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

@skittle624

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

@iLikeCatShirts

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

@cravin4

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

@liv_thatsme

If I get nervous for a date, I just imagine the guy in his underpants, sitting on my couch for the next 40 years, & suddenly I’m annoyed