PROFESSOR: u must question everything
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
There is no law that says you can’t smoke celery inside public places. What are they gonna do? Ask you to extinguish your celery? Doubtful.
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You do understand “Tan” and “Orange” are 2 very different colors right?
Card is declined.
Waiter in a very loud voice:”Excuse me ma, ur card was declined” a few heads turn.
Me:I jst used d card. Pls try again”
Waiter tries again. Payment goes thru
Me: “pls maintain d energy.Say it loud dt my card was accepted”. A few heads turn again. I’m satisfied
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I’m sleeping in this morning.
If there’s enough room to spell ‘bootylicious’ on the back of your shorts, it probably isn’t.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
*tries for a year to brush and floss better*
*goes to dentist*
Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?