There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
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The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
You sure about that?
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.