Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

Me [double-clicking a word to select it]

Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?

Me: no, just the one word

Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?

Me: no, just that word…

Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page

“What’s your name?”

“Sharky.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo