There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.![]()
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According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
i love meeting boys on tinder
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I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.