There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
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4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
You better wish for more oil
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water