Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
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You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks