There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
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Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
This forever.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.