Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does