there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
You Might Also Like
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.