there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
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When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia