there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
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My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey