Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

“dress for the job you want”

“ok!”

*shows up to work naked*

“what are you doing”

“i don’t want a job”

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.