There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
You Might Also Like
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.