There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
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Priorities
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.