There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
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Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
no cat here
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out