I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
You Might Also Like
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
early stone age tool
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*