There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
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Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.