There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
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I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.