Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?