there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
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My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Me in tagged photos