Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”