there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
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Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?